for the girl creating her own future… for the boy who digs boobs…

Month: March, 2013


The moment of self-reflection arrives when you’re told: “I just used the Rite-aid bathroom, it totally reminded me of you” and my personal favorite of: You’re definitely going to be that crazy old lady, that when the kids in your neighborhood lose their ball in your yard, nobody is going to get it”. Hm…

Another highlight of my week was during a phone call with my funniest friend Samantha. ” I’ll never forget when my mom approached me in 8th grades about blow jobs” ” You know I hear all the kids are doing that and I just want to make sure..EW! MOM! GROSS I WOULD NEVER …” Meanwhile, I had blown everybody I knew ”  MADE.MY.MORNING.

Let’s take it back to last Sunday shall we? NOW LAST WEEK-END was QUITE the experience, back to back nights of tremendous alcohol intake as well as hard-core after partying. All well worth it, but to say the least strenuous on the body! PULLED myself and my hangover out of bed and down to South Beverly Grill where I had ALREADY consumed  a Coke, a lemonade and  few sips of white wine before my BURGER arrived.  Post meal a leisurely afternoon was planned for, starting with a nice stroll to help with digestion. Now, this is where I should inform you of the loaned Tom Ford Glasses THAT HAVE BEEN OCCUPYING MY FACE FOR THE PAST THREE WEEKS.  A borrowed  item from dare I say my #boyfriend (?)  .  I definitely have been dealing with an increase of migraines, and figured the bigger fit of the menswear shades were the cause and would adjust them  from my face to on top of my head when need be. This day in particular was a different story. As the day went on my pounding migraine just seemed to get worse and worse. Medication ingested with NO RELIEF… it was as if all my shit talking karma had manifested over the temple of my right eye and did not let up. POUNDING AND CONSTANT COMPLAINING UNTIL THE SON OF A BITCH NEXT TO ME ASKS TO TRY THEM ON (4 HOURS LATER)…I hand them over only for him to coyly ask me “how my vision is doing?, those look really good on you” I for once, was actually pretty confused..”it’s fine what do you mean” ” I THINK THESE HAVE A PERSCRIPTON IN THE RIGHT EYE”…….

…..I’M SORRY? You think what exactly? Before you exit the passenger seat of this vehicle and walk your ass up Mullholland….WHO DOESN’T TELL SOMEBODY THIS? ” It honestly had slipped my mind” “It’s very light”.. I DON’T UNDERSTAND HOW THIS IS SOMETHING THAT SLIPS SOMEBODY’S MIND. So this was the cause of my tremendous headache that did not dissipate until the next morning….. A FRESH PAIR IN THE PROPER SEX  CATEGORY IS THE LEAST HE WILL BE DOING TO MAKE UP FOR THIS  “MISHAP”.





Rule number 1. IT IS NEVER THE GIRL’S FAULT. Rule number 2. EVER. Before we get all dramatic, I had a minor family issue to tend to this am, involving my cousin. Explained the story to both parentals, who immediately went to text her. My dad suggested that the subject of the dilemma “GROW A PAIR” and that should be the response my mom sends. “What does this mean? “Grow a pair?” “OH SUZY, GROW A PAIR! YOU KNOW? After my father just kept repeating the same phrase over and over in various tones, I was left with no choice but to step in. ENOUGH HERBERT! SHE CLEARLY is too foreign to understand what the fuck you mean! Please just explain it  rather than give us both a headache. Finally, he does explain..”YOU KNOW, GROW A PAIR OF BALLS”…OH yes I know that…”GROW A PAIR OF BALLS, YA”…NO. Like just not even close SUSAN, YOU HAD NO IDEA.  She just didn’t even sord of make it there. The text was sent though.. and we have finally moved on. Now back to it never being the girls fault. First and foremost: BITCHES BE THIRSTY, LIKE GATORADE QUENCHING THIRSTY. Nobody wants to see anybody happy, and everybody likes to test the limits to see how serious anything that they DON’T HAVE IS.  It is up to your boyfriend to show you the respect you deserve or don’t deserve. When you, as somebody’s girlfriend are decorating your boyfriends apartment, making him parfaits, or doing his laundry for a year– OR JUST BLOWING HIM. IT IS UP TO HIM TO BE HONEST WITH YOU- AND NOT WALK INTO NOBU WITH THE ONE BITCH HE CLAIMS TO NOT KNOW ANYMORE. Now not all of us can be this lucky. An event like this is truly a blessing in disguise. To have an idea about your partner for months and months, only to be manipulated out of the actual situation at hand is rough. BUT THEN ONE RANDOM SUNDAY NIGHT comes along and a craving for sashimi, you hit the jackpot. True all your worst fears come true but you’re finally able to see clearly and walk away from whatever bullshit you have been dealing with. 

On another note- I did have a very long facial today, only to find out how drunk my esthetician was the night before.  “No Morgan, drunk to the point that I farted and threw up at the same time and then tried to blow him” IN CASE YOU JUST NEEDED YOUR WEDNESDAY night to get as real as it just did.


FUN CHAT- shower time!

Spitters are NOT quitters

COME ON NOW!? What exactly did you think you were going to find here? You didn’t actually think I was going to discuss such a vile topic in detail? I hope NOT! It is only tuesday morning. I just needed an eye-catching title that would entice all you pervy straight men to make your way over to B&L, LIKE DUH.  How do we like the new format?( It needed some updating) And just for the record, now that we have skimmed this subject matter, if I wanted a consistency that resembled a molded milkshake in my mouth, I WOULD MAKE MY WAY OVER TO EARTHBAR.

I have such a fucking(g) bone to pick with Nate Robinson this am. Who is Nate Robinson you may ask? Some irrelevant basketball player that apparently dunked in YEEZY’S sometime this week. OH? Why would I know such pointless sports trivia you ask? Only because I was shirtless in bed this am ( not to mention I have fully given up soda and all bread baskets) which, as I’m sure you can imagine SHIT(E) is not hanging like it was two months and 7 Lbs ago. Yet this didn’t seem to matter much to the person who occupied the other side of the bed. NOPE, he was far more concerned about this NATE character and his shoe choice…….. hmmm.

There just never seems to be a day off for us ladies.  We have to be thin, funny and fucking(g) interesting to keep the attention of a man/boy (they all start out as the same age they end up as) Let’s be REAL CLEAR about that. US girls at the end of the day  just want somebody  who is going to be nice to us. Perhaps not walk into NOBU WITH the one person they deny having any involvement over the past year . YES, we will touch base on that tomorrow that actually is a factual and juicy scenario that occurred over the weekend to a friend of mine. BOYS ARE SO DUMB it’s uncomfortable but there is nothing worse than a dumb bitch(e) the oh ” No thanks, I’m sober I just suck a lot of dick(e) kind – R.SAIDI/ CHRISTY CHAM CAN I GET AN AMEN?! Or the paid ones who have their rent covered and watches purchased and think none of us have a damn clue about where any of  that came from. There is no Daytona on my wrist because the sixty something year old man in my life (MY FATHER) isn’t buying me one in any near future. Unless of course a college diploma magically made its way into a frame and onto my wall.. then it would be a different story, but until that happens…my wrist will just stay slim rather than spoiled. This new wave of imports from god knows where who just hustle to get that cash money is just beyond strange to us natives. All of a sudden everybody is a legit hooker and one grosser than the next, vacations on I.G NOT PAID BY ANY PARENT OR THEMSELVES? While I just pretend this upcoming weekend is going to be better than the last.  I wish I had such a gift.. I think it’s probably my nose that alienates me from such a lifestyle. Definitely not commercial enough to be working these tits(s) into a financially arranged situation. This was more all over the place than usual, it was fun though! I NEED SOME VITAMIN D NOW- We will definitely chat tomorrow.