It all started with an asshole injury. My asshole injury, which occurred as I sat down way too excitedly on my spin bike last week. The tailbone injury is really a confusing one. Usually I would just crack my way out of any pain I am feeling (which is how i’m surviving my hip discomfort, due to my flat left foot turning in causing a DIS-ALIGNMENT) , but with the does one SOLVE AN ISSUE LIKE THAT? It’s a very particular discomfort that your left having to appease and wait till it feels like leaving you alone. Nobody wants their ass cheeks to separate against their will and expose the one area of the body that makes me cringe even while typing it.

After two days of awkwardly walking around, My mother asks: “What’s the issue Morgan?” “I hurt my asshole, Susan”  ” How? ” “In Spin” “I sat down too hard!” ” Duh”. The conversation always has to be forcefully ended or she will just run with the questioning for as long as she pleases. ( Having the answers to most of them). Does every mother do this or just mine?

Upon returning home yesterday, she says  ” Oh, Morgan, I got something for you” She throws a a plastic Rite-Bag on my bed:


….This is when a stern look had to be given along with a very clear, concise and AMERICAN answer. “MOM!” I don’t have hemorrhoids! “I just hurt my ass bone in spin” ” NOT LITERALLY MY INNER ASSHOLE!” ” You said you hurt your asshole, Morgan..I just wanted you to be comfortable”.  There is no real or proper way to end this post, it really is just what it is.

I will confirm one more time that I DON’T HAVE HEMORRHOIDS.